DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
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‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT