“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
You Might Also Like
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.