Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
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yeet
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped