*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
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My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
wtf management?!
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.