*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
You Might Also Like
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
“TGIM!” – My liver
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me