*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
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Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.