Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
You Might Also Like
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
me: my friends:
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.