Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
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Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
My Plans 2020
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.