Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that