demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
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For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.