DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
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I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
🙋♀️
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
It’s an epidemic…
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.