Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
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Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!