Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
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Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?