There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
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Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs