[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
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The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you