Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
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When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
moms in horror movies
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere