Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
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[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.