* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
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Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.