DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
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If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
12653.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.