Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
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“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Meow?
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle