Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
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Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.