I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
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I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I’m literally crying
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”