Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
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Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”