Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
You Might Also Like
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
We all have our pet causes.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist