Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
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New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
THIS HEADLINE
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.