FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
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[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics