I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
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When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.