[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
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I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
subtitles are so good nowadays
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.