@3sunzzz: Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child's dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
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@thenatewolf: *on a first date* Me: [remembering how my friend said women like mysterious men] my favorite color is a secret
@loudmouth_usa: 1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible -Grandpa's guide to lawn mowing
@LostCatDog: I peed in an ocean, but I'm not going to tell you which one - you're going to have to take your chances.
@BrainFumbles: They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn't land on her feet and now I'm in jail for murder.