Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
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Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”