*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
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When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them