*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
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Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
then why did i get this email
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years