Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
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“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
i can’t wait that long
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.