There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
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My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught