“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
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In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Chemical wingman
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
my mind
You just read my mind