Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
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The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”