@EndhooS: [describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
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@DarkerWillow: So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig's List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered...such a dilemma
@SuperJuanderer: Me: Weaknesses? Oh, I'd say not relating well to other sentient beings. -I meant about the janitor job. Me: Oh ya, I don't know how to sweep
@JohnLyonTweets: And the cat's in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer's, this is a terrible mix-up.
@ArfMeasures: OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him? WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same