[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
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First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Is your wife single?
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit