[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
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I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
How dramatic are you?
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup