[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
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Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it