[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
You Might Also Like
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
i prefer mine room temperature.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …