[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
You Might Also Like
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
She puts the hot in psychotic
They’re on their honeymoon
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved