Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
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Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*