Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
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I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
This is my cat’s medicine.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation