Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
You Might Also Like
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
That 👊
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates