“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
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Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.