DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
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I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*