*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
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a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I see your IQ test came back negative
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
we’re dead?
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.