*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
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‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.