Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
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Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Every. Damn. Time.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER