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@OrdinaryAlso: Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
@_troyjohnson: Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.
@HoneyWooWoo: *first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
@leshnevsky: Me: - Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty?
Wife: - Because you're a pessimist, honey!
@tigersgoroooar: sick of people asking if my daughter’s name is short for lucille. no, it’s not. if jenny is short for jennifer, lucy is short for lucifer.
@EndhooS: Wife: He's just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?