*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
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[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Mood.. 😂
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?