Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
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Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.