[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
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*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.